SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled, “Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend was wearing one when he was shot and killed by the woman’s husband.

NEW BOOK
A man goes into a book store and asks the lady clerk, “Do you have the new book just printed for men with short penises?" She replies, “I'm not sure if it's in yet." “That's the one; I'll take a copy.”

POOR LANCE ARMSTRONG
I think it's disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

DRIVE BY
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now the sick ******* just drives by and changes the channels.

THE AGONY OF AGING
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit an aging friend of mine. He was busy covering his ***** with black shoe polish. I told him, “You better get your hearing checked. You're supposed to turn your clock back."

SCAM
I just got scammed out of $25. I bought Tiger Woods' DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

SO TRUE
Before you engage in sex, you eagerly help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. The Moral of the story: Sex is like life--no one helps you once you've been screwed.

PREGNANT PROSTITUTE
The doctor asks his pregnant prostitute patient, “Do you know who the father is?" “For God sakes Doc, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

SEX RESEARCH
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why some men are called handsome!

EASY JET
Bubba calls EASY JET to book a flight. The operator asks, “How many people are flying with you?" Bubba replies, "I don't have a clue. It's your plane."

MEANING OF LIFE IN 13 WORDS
“Inside every old person is a young person wondering what the hell happened."